Yesterday at the end of my post I promised to dish a little bit about something that happened to me just recently.
Posting this Hot Mess Burger seemed appropriate.
If you follow here regularly, you might remember THIS POST talking about friendship (if you don’t remember the words you’ll remember the pink frosted funfetti cookie bars). I got a lot of response on that one, both in the comments and by email and I appreciated all of your words so much. Who knew that friendship was such a hot-button-issue?
So here’s what I wanna talk about: Getting blocked on Facebook.
I know, right?
Last time I checked we were grown ups. Let me explain.
I have (had I guess would be more accurate) a friend. A good friend. A great friend. For a long time she was my best friend. Life happened, there are miles between us, and our friendship started to circle the drain. Starting sometime around last summer I started reaching out because I felt the distance. I was reading into her haphazard too-much-information-filled Facebook posts (because she and I know each other so so well) and I knew there was more going on than meets the eye. She kept me updated on life, on things, but not as much.
Relationships of any kind definitely take two and I am sure that I am not without blame. I could have called more. I definitely should have scraped together a few extra dollars for a shared meal or a shopping trip. I probably could have coddled the subject of her loser cheating boyfriend a little more. My instinct is to be protective of my friend[s]. To let her know she doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. To tell her that only a total moron would treat her that way. I maybe could have tippy-toed around the subject pretending to be supportive of a relationship that effectively was/is poison.
Her reaction to that was to just stop telling me things because she knew what I was going to say. All of this nonsense added up over time. It was a sloooooooow smothering kind of death to something that was once the best part of my days. Our conversations became so superficial. Talk of grocery shopping and our little people and schools and grades. None of the real things were present anymore. It all lacked that certain kind of best friend super honest soul bearing something that makes a person a REAL TRUE FRIEND.
So I, who would mostly rather thoughtfully compose a written account of my feelings than engage in a verbal dialogue that I know will be entirely one-sided, wrote her a message. I wanted to lay out the issues our friendship was facing in an honest way and then WORK ON IT. I wanted to know what was going on in her mind and in her heart, but I also wanted her to know that my feelings were beyond hurt about some things that were important to me.
The reply wasn’t warm.
Here’s something you should know about me: I am very careful with my words because “You can’t put the words back in your mouth” (thank you, Michael Scott). Also I really suck at apologizing. So I try not to spout out things without thinking them through.
I responded carefully to the chilliness and what I got back was a really long message that I can only describe as hate mail. It upset me tremendously. Enter Facebook.
I un-friended my friend. It was a reaction. Right or wrong it’s what I did in the moment out of anguish and hurt. I am a glutton for punishment I suppose, because a day or so later I checked her page (I know, I know.) and there were mean status updates aimed at me in that kind of anonymous Facebook way. I opted not to go the distance and block my friend for many reasons, but mostly because if something serious happened in her life I would still want to show my support. Also it felt like a “Mean Girl” thing to do.
Not long after I made that conscious decision, my “friend” did something that felt like the very definition of passive-aggression to me. She posted my little sister a very sweet happy birthday message. It popped up in my news feed. And then… SHE BLOCKED ME.
This whole situation instantly transported me to middle school. I was right back to that fluffy, nerdy, snaggle-toothed 12-year-old that was not in with the in crowd by any stretch of the imagination. I turned into a pile of scorching hot tears and hurt feelings and a lack of understanding. Is this really how people are as adults? Are we all just bigger versions of our adolescent selves saddled with more opinions and responsibility?
Furthermore, what is the proper etiquette here?
I know that kids, teenagers, and even young adults have to deal with these issues regularly. People are mean. Girls are mean. But I feel like past the age of 25 the social shunning and mean girl tricks should have reached their expiration dates. I feel like friendships should be able to withstand rocky roads and uncomfortable conversations. I think honesty is crucial, but so is tact.
Obviously this situation is kind of a hot mess (and now you understand this whopping spicy veggie burger). Do you have any experience with this? Have you ever blocked or been blocked? Is life really like junior high on repeat?
- 6-8 large onion slices
- 2 cups fat free buttermilk
- 1 cup red onion, finely diced
- 1 tablespoon olive oil
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- ½ cup red bell pepper, diced
- ¼ cup shredded carrots
- 1- 2 tablespoons chopped fresh jalapenos (optional)
- 1 tablespoon chopped cilantro
- 3 tablespoons spicy BBQ sauce
- 1 tablespoon honey
- 1 teaspoon kosher salt
- 1 teaspoon chili powder
- ½ teaspoon paprika
- 2 cans (or about 4 cups) black eyed peas, drained and rinsed
- 2-3 tablespoons whole wheat flour (more to thicken if necessary)
- 1½ cups all purpose flour
- 1½ teaspoons paprika
- ½ teaspoon salt
- ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
- oil for frying
- 8 ounces pepper jack cheese
- 2 fresh jalapenos, sliced
- 6-8 soft burger buns
- salad greens for topping
- more spicy BBQ sauce for dressing the burger
- Place the onion slices and the buttermilk into a large bowl to soak. Set aside.
- Prepare the burgers. Place the onions and olive oil in a small saucepan and cook over medium heat until they’re golden and caramelly, 4-5 minutes. Add the garlic, cook for one minute, and then remove the onions and peppers to a large bowl.
- Return the skillet to the heat and add the red peppers. Cook until they are soft, about 4 minutes, and then add them to the bowl. Turn off the burner.
- Dump in the shredded carrots, the jalapenos (optional depending on your spice preference), and the chopped cilantro. Stir.
- Then mix in the spicy BBQ sauce, the honey, the kosher salt, the chili powder, and the paprika.
- Add the black eyed peas and smash them with the back of a fork until all the ingredients are evenly incorporated (you could also use a food processor for this). Cut in the wheat flour, adding more to reach your desired consistency (you want to be able to form patties out of the mixture, but you don’t want them to be cakey or dry).
- Form 6-8 patties out of the mixture, place them on a plate and refrigerate until you’re ready to cook them.
- Whisk together the all purpose flour, the 1½ teaspoons paprika, the ½ teaspoon salt, and the ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper. Dredge the buttermilk soaked onion slices in the flour mixture to coat them.
- Heat the oil. Fry the onion slices until golden brown and then set them aside on paper towels to drain. It only takes about a minute to cook each onion ring.
- Spray a large skillet with non-stick cooking spray. Cook the burger patties over medium-high heat to brown on each side. You just want them to be hot all the way through. Depending on your skillet they may look a little charred. It’s cool.
- Top each burger with pepper jack cheese. Then add sliced jalapenos. Place each dressed patty on a bun, top with an onion ring and then salad greens and a dollop of BBQ sauce. Serve immediately.
Hot Mess Black Eyed Pea Burgers inspired by THESE burgers I saw in the window of Jack-in-the-Box. 
I’m sorry for being such a long winded hot mess today. These veggie burgers should make up for it. But I still really wanna know what you think about social media blocking? Is this actually a grown-up thing?
That girl is so lame and you know how I feel about it…big ole waste of time right there. And if she honestly went in to her privacy settings and added your email to the block list she’s even worse than I thought! That to me tells me that she never cared at all. I have an ex best friend that I don’t talk to anymore, but I never blocked her and if I see her we’re still cordial to one another because she’s someone I once really cared about, and she didn’t block me either because like you said…we’re not in highschool. Let karma ride her out to her chariot on this one, chalk it up to a loss and start the grieving process of losing her. She’ll regret it one day…they always do, but stay strong and know that there are better friends out there…they’re just not her!!
I know you already knew all this mess because you are such a super invisible friend. Your emails are encouraging and your smackdown comment on my last “friendship” post was AWESOME. Your grown-up take on things is definitely how I thought things were supposed to be. I think I just wanted to check with the universe and make sure life isn’t actually a bad episode of reality MTV. You’re the best!
Where to start…ah yes, Facebook. Facebook is a really bad place to conduct “relationships” – it never ends well. Having said too much on there in the past (though never as much as many people), I now use it strictly to see pictures of friends and family and share my own bits of fun. Bad news doesn’t go on Facebook, nor does the status if my finances, health, job, or relationships. That stuff is personal. I save it for the phone or in person. Facebook is PUBLIC; the so-called privacy settings don’t really keep anything private. All that being said, I am sorry to hear that your friendship hasn’t faired well of late. Sometimes, when you see that you and a friend have grown apart (emphasis on grown), you just have to let them go. Get you some new peeps – and have a cup of coffee with them instead of posting on the high school billboard that is Facebook. The burgers look great by the way – I’ve never done BEP for veggie burgers…must try them!
eatwilmington recently posted…Be a “Docker” – The Fire is Lit!
Hi Susan! Okay, first– the Black Eyed Peas were actually preferred to black beans for the burgers around here. I don’t actually buy canned beans, always dry, and so when mashed hot they were much easier to work with and the flavor was much more meaty & less beany.
Second– My personal Facebook page is really just an extension of what you guys see on Sugar Dish Me’s page. Recipes, Lucy & Norma Jean, frosting, but just with more family photos and comments from my mom & sisters mixed in. No crazy. No drama. I wholeheartedly agree that what is personal should be kept personal. And I think you’re right… we all grow and change and sometimes that takes people in different directions.
I think it was wonderful for you to keep that door open to her in spite of her behavior. You can move on knowing that you did the mature thing and you don’t need to worry about regreting your behavior. What is it with mean girls? They never really disappear, do they? I tell Ellie (who is at the age where mean girls get their practice), “You can’t control the behavior of others. You can only control what you do next.” In fact, I tell MYSELF that same thing many times in a week–if I didn’t I might end up sitting on the curb with my office supplies in a box. You did the right thing by not taking the bait and escalating the situation. That would have fed nicely into her personal drama. When she calms down and if she matures a little, she will have some regret about her behavior. In the meantime, good for you for doing the right thing!
Deanna recently posted…Planning Your Spring Garden
Oh I tell myself and my boys that all the time! It’s so hard to teach them the balance between speaking up and shutting up. In situations like this shutting up was crucial. I have a tendency to always have the last word (Chad graciously allows me that ha ha) but this time it felt right to just let it go. And then, with the same meanie girl references in mind, sometimes it is so important to speak up!! The mean girls never really do go away. But I think, especially in circumstances like this, that the mean girls don’t feel like they’re being mean. They feel righteous. I’d bet your daughter is one of the good ones though cause she has such a kind mama like you!
And BTW, those onion rings look magical…
Deanna recently posted…Planning Your Spring Garden
Thanks! These were a lesson in how to trash up a veggie burger.
I don’t facebook, because i don’t want to bother with stupid people from my past. If your “friend” doesn’t want to talk that is OK. She moved on. But like you said YOU are an adult. Ignore this person, don’t talk about her and show your children how to take the high road. This a learning experience for the whole family. And again ignore people that bring drama in your life & pay more attention to your loved ones. Life is to short not to be happy. Surround your self with happy people that make you laugh not cry—Rachel
Hi, Rachel! You know it’s funny because I really have very few “friends” on my personal Facebook page. I mostly just share photos with my family and keep up with a handful of friends that are far away. It’s all very lighthearted, which is what I think it’s meant to be. I agree that this is a learning opportunity for myself and my boys. How to shut up and shut it down. It is very strange when people move out of your life, but I do have an amazing family and awesome friends, AND all of you readers that give me such a great sounding board. Thank you!! ~Heather
I want those onion rings! They look light, fluffy, and delish!
When a friend becomes drama, it’s time to let the friendship run its course. You both probably got what you needed when things were good, but priorities change. I always remember the comment, you are SUPER lucky if you have five real friends throughout your adulthood. Right now I have three, and two of them have been in my life over 30 years! Rare.
FB is a beast. Some people need attention, encouragement and that’s an avenue to get that fulfilled. Everyone knows that blocking is hurtful, and that may be her way to inflict her own pain back to you. Mourn the loss, but keep the door cracked just in case things change, but don’t expect her to change the way she lives her life or the choices she makes for herself. That will lead to disappointment. Hang in there – let’s have a virtual glass of wine, ok?! Hugs!
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You are absolutely right– when things were great they were REALLY GREAT and the friendship was mutually beneficial. I do believe my needs changed and so did hers. My life is much different now than it was then so many years ago (all good changes in happy ways) when she & I met, but hers is basically exactly the same. I suppose not everyone grows with you, you know? You are so fortunate to have such lasting friendships. 30 years!!! That is so great. Wine poured. Cheers!
Facebook brings out the inner…. you know but that is so mean and for someone to target you to? Awful
You eat this burger (which looks brilliant!) and let children be children!
Cheers
CCU
Choc Chip Uru recently posted…Supercalafragalisticexpialadoshus-ism
Uru- these burgers. Holy wow are they good.
I think online communication is great because it lets so many people speak more freely that normally wouldn’t. BUT online communication is not so great because so many people speak more freely that normally wouldn’t. Conundrum.
It hurts for a long while. But it gets better.
Yeah I’m better now. I just had to get all the words out.
Michael Garry Scott, killer onion rings, & hot mess burgers should help ward off a little bit of FB drama (we’ve all had our share)…
You said what you had to say, you put it out there…kudos for you. The truth hurts, most people don’t like it (the truth) or can’t accept it.
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Hey Kim!! These burgers were kind of a cure-all.
Those onion rings were killer for sure.
I agree that no one really like to hear ugly truths, but it’s definitely all in how you say it and what the feelings are behind it. If the intention is genuine that means a lot no matter how harsh. I’m a big fan of keeping it real (nicely).
When I was married and dealing with a less than zero, cheating mate (of 20 yrs mind you) i would have LOVED to have had a friend like you. My friends all ignored my problems, did not want to get involved (by offering advice would have done what to them, not sure).. I am not on FB anymore..I was never involved in any drama but saw so much around me I came to the conclusion people act their true selves behind the shield of that computer screen.
For you, sometimes you just have to move along down the road. You tried with honest intentions, she blocked you at every turn (literally) so dust off your hands and keep your head high. Drop any negative feelings for her and keep her in good thoughts.
Take the high road, the view is much better..
PS- Loving these hot mess burgers..will definitely try these!!
free penny press recently posted…Kyle Thompson- Photographic Prodigy
Lynne- I feel exactly the same way. After all of this transpired I found out that years ago she called my mom because she was worried that I was making a huge mistake in my personal life. Meanwhile she was championing my decisions to my face and in fact encouraging me to push forward. I understand my mom’s position (because she never EVER does anything with ill intentions- she doesn’t even get road rage. Ha!) to stay out of things, but MY FRIEND?! For me, a friend sometimes has to save you from yourself. And if you don’t listen, then fine. That same friend can say “I told you so” over a glass of wine. I love her very much and I hope she is successful in all things and gets back to a happy place. But I guess right now that’s all I can do.
The burgers– AWSOME. I know it looks like a lot of ingredients but it’s really just standard cabinet fare. Nothing crazy. Let me know how you like ‘em!
I read this the other day when you posted, but it has been a WEEK AND A HALF over here (when is it not?!), so it’s taken me a few days to come back and comment, sorry! But, I can only agree with what other people have already said – this totally sucks, your friend is acting like a 13 year old (not a very nice one at that) and you totally did the right thing. But that doesn’t make it easier or better, so in the meantime it’s totally undertandable for you to be feeling upset and angry and confused about it, which is totally crap, but hopefully these burgers, onion rings and the rocky road cookies have gone some way in their awesome comfort food role to making it a bit better! (Please come over here and make me some too?!) Sending virtual wine and hugs, and hoping that whatever happens, things get better
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You are such a doll. I only WISH I could find my way to Spain! I’d bake ALLLLLL the cookies. We’d need an oven first, of course. I’m definitely feeling better about things. It is what it is, you know? It has restored my faith in people tremendously to know that I’m not totally off base thinking that this kind of thing is mean and childish. Anyway, I’ll take the wine and the hugs and I hope your weekend is super!!!
Haven’t tried the hot mess burger yet, but I will soon and then I’ll rate it. It looks great.
Your other issue is actually fairly common. I rarely give advice because I’m pretty sure that all they want is a sympathetic ear, but doggone it it, that can get old. Unless the problems are dangerous for them, I would just listen and say “Oh…that’s too bad…”. If, on the other hand, it is a situation where a friend is being abused, give them all you’ve got and say “When you are ready to get away and stop this – I’m here. Otherwise, to just sit and listen makes me feel helpless and almost complicit and I can’t do it anymore…but I do care.”
To flippantly wish your sister a happy birthday accomplished what she wanted to accomplish – she made you feel bad. That’s not nice. (I’m probably a great deal older than you and I can tell you – people do get nicer and less “high school cliquish” when they’ve matured a bit.)
Hi, Susan! Hope you’ll try the burgers!
The hot mess of this post— I would never pass unsolicited advice EXCEPT to the people I hold dearest and ESPECIALLY if I feel like their situation is unhealthy or hurtful. Then I have LOTS of things to say. That being said- I totally agree that most people just need an ear to borrow and sometimes just listening can make you feel really helpless when you’re worried. You’re right about the thing with my sister– super not nice, but it is what it is, and just writing this post and reading all the feedback has been such a positive experience. Thanks for reading and thanks for the insight!!
Sorry to hear you had to go through all that Heather. Well, we can all be immature at times especially in a moment of anger/hurt. I also have friends who I have become distant with, and the stuff I know about them is via Facebook. And sometimes I find myself clicking deeper and deeper into FB and looking at other acquaintances and not-so-close friends lives and wondering how I am faring. And it turns into this kind of masochistic behavior, you know? Sometimes taking a step back from FB and the like and focussing on the other stuff helps. Your real friends will be there beyond FB, on the phone, in person and with real emails about what’s really going on. And seriously, using a social networking site to make someone else feel bad- and that too sharing it with so many other followers on her page and your sister’s- that’s just petty.
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